Well I have tried twice to write a bit. So I can look back and say wow I made it thru this. I have tried to write and it deleted. Yeah!! I am at a place in my life where I am looking around and wondering how I got stuck here. I know we made decisions that lanes us here...but it seem more than that. I miss my house in ABQ, I miss jason wanting to take care of it. I miss my kids being babies...well younger. I miss the whole thing of little baby ness. I miss having a kind of clean house...that's been gone for like nearly 8 yrs. I miss my body...I use to be able to work out. I miss sleeping. Wow. I am going to cry.  We moved to Rio rancho and I thought...well I tried hard to fully convince myself that it was the best move for us... I think at the time it was or at least it seemed to be where we needed to be. Cole received extra speech help, that he would not have other wise received. I got into running...maybe a bad thing but I loved it so much...then a series of unfortunate events...lemony Snicket style ruined that for me. We had more room (I thought) need up that Jason actually had more room ...I just had more crappy tiny rooms to clean and deal with. We seemed to be doing ok I was coping with the move and telling myself this is good and I later check schools out ...the home school Sandi's vista seemed to be good...seemed. My kids were moving along. I was irritated with some of the preschool crap from ABQ so I really thought that Rio rancho was going to be a positive move. For the mist part it was. We later discovered the kids school was a joke. Laci's k teacher intimidated the crap out of her (literally, a couple of times). Had conference after conference with me telling me she was just not smart. But I knew a very different laci. She was intuitive, quick thinking, smart, kind, interested in learning. We all survived her K yr. Then 2nd grade cole and emma seemed to get good teachers, the help they each needed, opportunity to help them be successful. Then I watched laci. Her teachers shut her down, placated her with coloring pages, told me some kids are just not good readers. I did not know what to do. I switched schools...enter SABE. Worst school, but helpful in getting me answers for laci. Turns out she is dyslexic. Her 2nd grade teacher at the new school helped us to get her tested... Well she mentioned it...then told us it will take a couple of yrs. To test her and get help for her. (WTH)
A couple of yrs?  Well its my daughter I am not going to sit there while she struggles and hates school. So jason and I got her tested, (well i prayed and found names and scheduled appointments, lost sleep worried my selfe sick. Jason just argued with me then looked at his daughter and said yes to the appointments, tests and whatever. We paid crazy money for tests/ reading therapy. Still are. I devoted my time and life and money to helping my child read now not at age 20. Sabe became the worst choice due to the teacher I was excited for. She was a real racist jerk. Because the school received less money for English speaking white kids...she and the rest of the staff were and are allowed to treat them differently than Hispanics. Wow. I have fought an up hill battle with them anyway so I pulled the out of the racist tragedy. ( my kids were color blind ...remembering the day my girls walked up to me at a park with a friends daughter...who is black and asked mom what is a black person? My friend laughed and I said well Tasha, and her daughters are black, I refers to a persons skin color. The both looked at their friend and said wait what...people care about that???
Yes yes many ignorant people care only about race...NM education is among the ignorant.
I sit here tonight thinking and looking around at my house now hodge podge, abd duct taped together....how did I get here? How did I even believe I could home school 3 kids basically the same age, help a dyslexic Daughter, find extra curricular, and enrichment, and clean my house, and get my kids to help with chores. Why would be a better question. Why ...well I guess because I cared that much. I just never bargained for doing it soley by my self. I
mean Jason is there, but definitely checked out....heather you take care of this your self...I knew you couldn't do it. I feel fat and alone, failed, basically like garbage. I know that this is only a tributary in the fast moving river of life...my sister.
My sister came to live with us. Thought it would really bring us closer... No. She let me know I was never going to be her sister...by how she talked to me, about me, acted toward me. My neighbor had to come over and stop a full white trash scream fest my sister started up on me. Over her frustration of the Realtor not getting her house yesterday.  How is thus my fault?? Well its not. She just wrecked my summer and ruined my work outs, and brought her shitty eating habits to my family. (Thanks)
Now instead of the green smoothies we once ate...my kids ask why we can't have pop tarts like Ingrids kids. ( 4 yrs ago) still my kids cry most mornings....I have gotten them into making breakfast them selves, but cereal, and nutella pancakes are light yes from green smoothies and a 3 mile a day run. One would say...why not just start back up?? Well I have tried and tried and now I am just used to Jason's schedule and obligations, taking front seat in my life. I no longer have 30 mins by my self from kids, I no longer have kids that sleep in their rooms for 2 hours. I no longer have a day that us not monopolized by a child's appointment, or other obligation. All of this no sleeping, inactivity, crap food, well my ankle broke. I went to the ER, they told me nothing is wrong, just a sprain. I saw an foot Dr. A few weeks later...same thing just a sprain. Ok after 6months of some days utterly unbearable pain... Wanting to saw my own leg off. Went to another foot and leg Dr. 1 MRI later...yes its broken. And 6 weeks in a boot with very little activity on my foot. Well I am at least 20 lbs more. Which makes my whole life just feel more complete. No money, because I pay all for my kids activities, therapy, appointments, drs. No time because I am either homeschooling (and severely struggling)
Or driving kids to drs, therapy, or appointments. (Therapy is for her dyslexia)
Then you have the eye drs, the pediatrician, karate, some times I manage to go grocery shopping before we are Down to 1 packet of ramen, other times I find stuff and hope that its still ok. My carpet is destroyed, water heater broke, my house falls apart like a celebrity taking a bow. I can not get my kids to stop fighting, or my husband to fix anything, I occasionally try to fix stuff (duct tape) and just get laughed at or told it wsd a stupid fix I should have just waited...for what the second coming???  I am sitting here tonight thinking how , how did I get here?? And wishing I could have a do over. I just am not sure I can ever pull it together again. I am responsible for everyone ( in my house) and all they learn or don't learn, the mess, the fights, the stress, the bills, the loneliness, the night sleep, I am not sure I can keep it up.  I always joke that I am going to take a vacation ....but where would I go?? I could never actually getting away...I have kids tied to my legs, appointments I can never miss, and a husband who is very preoccupied with his own success. KBT my Hubby's company-- he owns it,  was able to buy a jeep, I can bearly find time and money to get groceries. I struggle to find and repurpose all the items I have. I am definitely not high class. I make due with or live with stuff, because there is no other option. Well there it is my life and how I got here. I miss everything before warp speed hit us between the eyes. I can bearly see straight. I really really dislike, Rio rancho,
( most of the people I know are really needy)...I had a lady call me up and say a sister in the ward is having a baby in 4 months can you bring her dinner this week???  I gave a broken leg, I am drowned in my house kids home school, finances.. How many people does the dinner need to feed?? 2 just her and her hubby. I can nearly fully feed my own family... Due to time constraints, finances, and stress levels.
Are you kidding me!??? No no the lady was quite serious. I have no help offered to me in even the smallest way,--- can I watch you kids for 30 min while you talk a walk, he groceries, take a nap. No no no I am on my own. I am a sinking island. I hope my kids learn to metaphorically swim before it happens.

I am sitting waiting for laci's reading therapy appt. So I can drive back across town. I am reflecting on my life and thinking how could so many things I thought would be ...are just not. My kids are the light of my life. I would and do, do anything in my power to get them the help tutoring/ experience they need. I have them in sports, art classes, church activities. I am trying to grow well rounded human beings.
I just keep plugging away at the daily grind.
My marriage is all but a sham.  We aren't even on the same page when it comes to raising kids. But in a small defense he tries and does the best he knows how. Just that he's nearly 45 and I have never known him to be capable of change or short notice things. Oh sure when Instagram came out and the potential to make money was in learning a new thing rather quickly he was on board. But try getting him to spend time with me or use the phrase "I love you" I could die first. Well recently he decided to start adding love you to text and saying it before he hung up on the phone with me. Its nice but this coming from a guy that told me I say it to much...well I just have to say its too little to late. I want thing to run smoothly while the kids are present. I know that the dysfunction in divorced homes is real. I also really want them to be very choosey when the time comes for them to get married....I was Choosey....unfortunately he put on a better face...I mean there were a couple red flags, like him driving 3 hours to see me then just saying he was to tired to stay so he turned around with in the same 30 min and drove home... And weekends when I came to see him he would be to busy to see me until late the next day. He's not a cheater...so I not worried about that...just overly inconsiderate. After we were married he left me on the side of the road late one night over a silly timing bet. And another time asked me " why are you always here".  This when I came to visit for the weekend after we were married...I was finishing school and lived 3 hours away.
Still I stayed thinking I was just being to sensitive. His callusness never cesses to amaze me. There are hundreds if thousands of these examples over the last 14 yrs. I have to thank his mom for giving him a "me first complex". If his needs aren't met world ends if someone else has a need that should be met....and if it interferes with him getting where or what he wants....they can just shove it...he gets what he needs / wants first. I never sleep or take care of myself...if I do then its cat naps here and there, or a super quick shower hoping I have clean cloths after.  If I ask him to take care or watch kids...(happened more when they where younger) he kinda threw a fit..." Well when are you going to be back, or I have to be some where/ I have overtime in a little while" I need my sleep / where's my nap"
Were all things that were thrown out at me. I just took it in stride and put his needs ahead of my own. I have become less interested in his needs and more into self preservation... Over the last 14 years. In large part due to him. I can not keep up with his ever changing work schedule, or His much different parenting "hands off" approach. I have an even harder time with his personal needs he can go about 3 weeks with no sex then and only then he wants it to last 3 seconds if I want anything from him I get an "I am to tired now," or a
tomarrow.  He is in it only for himself and it makes me resent sex ....although I give in many times anyway...3seconds of affection is more than no seconds in a months time.
I wish things were different between us. But I would be so confused if he suddenly started caring. Since doesn't care now.  He has a better relationship with the kids so I say well at least that.
 I remember my mom yelling at us kids growing up saying " never get married its crap, just never do it"  that and the fact my dad and her fought lended to me not getting married until I was 27. Which looking back was still young.   But I find my self wanting to say the same thing to my kids....but I won't ...reason....I actually want them to find someone who genuinely loves and cherishes them. I don't know if I am just fooling myself... I mean people have good marriage. People in many marriages don't just neglect on another continuously. Right!???
Well this is all I know is negelect in my marriage. I know that I would never find anyone at my age... My body is ruined from children and I currently have a broken leg...fun times. I just was to belong or fit or be needed... I think thats basic humanness to belong/ want to fit in/ or feel needed. I just don't though. My support network is fake and offers me no support. ( family and friends) I wonder why I keep getting up each morning!!! My kids....that's right I do it for my kids...my lights, my reason for existing.... I am here to help them ( even if they don't want me sometimes) to not be a**$#holes. To give them opportunity that they wouldn't otherwise get to be an advocate for them as they are young!!!  I still feel lonely and sad and most of all like I don't fit in.  I want to be loved in my marriage... I just know its a pipe dream now. I hope my kids have better luck than I did.

I have a good life, great kids . well with the exception of one thing my husband. He's even a great guy. Since I have been married to him for the last 14 yrs he has been efficient,focused, thrifty, a good dad. Great right!? Well not really he is not good at being a husband. Or rather emotions get in his way. He has never really liked intamacy with me. He can go 3 months or more with us not having sex. He tells me I am "out of control" and to "calm down" if I ask to have a relationship with him. We kinda have a relationship just not one that make me feel like I belong. He can have a relaxing fun time unless its with our kids. Like I said he's a great dad.  Just very neglectful to me, or maybe just wants a relationship on his terms only. I wish I could take a pill or rub cream on myself that made me never care if he spoke to me or ignored me or whatever. I could just be...well indifferent or not care about it. As it stands he can go for days with only a few sentences between us, mostly "hi how's it going?". Problem...I have discovered he doesn't really want to know. He just wants everything to be fine.  😣. And well its not. Well I wish it was. I wish I could go to a clinic, they would do a scan and remove the part of me that wants a connection with him, and we could just live robotic lives raising kids. I know as a mother my kids can feel the tension from me. They deserve a set of parents that are crazy mad in love!!! They are good kids. I feel like I am just in a crappy place, either just go along and get ignored or ask for more and get in arguments or leave. None of those really feel happy and none of those options get me a husband that loves me. 😭. He wasn't always like this well when we dated he was attentive, interested, flirty, polite -- amazing. But the moment we were married I became something of a burden to him. I wish I could go back and tell my young self to just date him. But we have 3 great kids. And when I say great I mean great!!!! And he's great with them. Just not with me. I have to cry to have him notice me. I am just tired of begging for sex or closeness with tears. I am pretty sure we won't be together after kids are out if the house. Well I mean kids kinda ground us and if no kids then he has 100's of other interests, I am not one of them. I want my Pre baby body back if I leave....no man would want what's left now. 😂😂😣😣😭😭😭. I would want to just have him be interested, I just have no idea how to do that after 14 yrs. So in feeling a particular level of unhappiness and loneliness, I wrote my feelings down. I do feel a bit like a crappy old mop, cleaning up after and giving everyone what they need and then being left in the corner of a smelly bucket in the dark. I don't even know what I would do if any attention was paid to me anymore.

I used to work for a really crabby mean dentist and I would look out the window at work everyday, wishing I could be the blade of grass or the rock, or a leaf. Just so I could escape his anger and cold cutting remarks.
With my husband I find my self wishing to be the rock, blade of grass, leaf. For entirely different reasons, I want to not exist. I want to not feel the pain if being ignored. He may not have cutting words but at least if he did there would be some attention / passion paid. But there's not just utter indifference and partly pretending everything is ok. I wish I were the leaf eventually it would die and fall to the ground and be needed back in the soil. That sounds good to be needed.
My kids need me and I keep going for them, its just different. I feel sad that my kids will not experience a truly loving relationship as an example of what is in front of them. I can only hope that the moms and dads who are raising their future spouses, have set good examples, have paid attention to each other, have loved those little one. And I hope my kids relationships with their future spouses are light years better than my own with my spouse. I doubt mine will ever be any better.