Well I have tried twice to write a bit. So I can look back and say wow I made it thru this. I have tried to write and it deleted. Yeah!! I am at a place in my life where I am looking around and wondering how I got stuck here. I know we made decisions that lanes us here...but it seem more than that. I miss my house in ABQ, I miss jason wanting to take care of it. I miss my kids being babies...well younger. I miss the whole thing of little baby ness. I miss having a kind of clean house...that's been gone for like nearly 8 yrs. I miss my body...I use to be able to work out. I miss sleeping. Wow. I am going to cry.  We moved to Rio rancho and I thought...well I tried hard to fully convince myself that it was the best move for us... I think at the time it was or at least it seemed to be where we needed to be. Cole received extra speech help, that he would not have other wise received. I got into running...maybe a bad thing but I loved it so much...then a series of unfortunate events...lemony Snicket style ruined that for me. We had more room (I thought) need up that Jason actually had more room ...I just had more crappy tiny rooms to clean and deal with. We seemed to be doing ok I was coping with the move and telling myself this is good and I later check schools out ...the home school Sandi's vista seemed to be good...seemed. My kids were moving along. I was irritated with some of the preschool crap from ABQ so I really thought that Rio rancho was going to be a positive move. For the mist part it was. We later discovered the kids school was a joke. Laci's k teacher intimidated the crap out of her (literally, a couple of times). Had conference after conference with me telling me she was just not smart. But I knew a very different laci. She was intuitive, quick thinking, smart, kind, interested in learning. We all survived her K yr. Then 2nd grade cole and emma seemed to get good teachers, the help they each needed, opportunity to help them be successful. Then I watched laci. Her teachers shut her down, placated her with coloring pages, told me some kids are just not good readers. I did not know what to do. I switched schools...enter SABE. Worst school, but helpful in getting me answers for laci. Turns out she is dyslexic. Her 2nd grade teacher at the new school helped us to get her tested... Well she mentioned it...then told us it will take a couple of yrs. To test her and get help for her. (WTH)
A couple of yrs?  Well its my daughter I am not going to sit there while she struggles and hates school. So jason and I got her tested, (well i prayed and found names and scheduled appointments, lost sleep worried my selfe sick. Jason just argued with me then looked at his daughter and said yes to the appointments, tests and whatever. We paid crazy money for tests/ reading therapy. Still are. I devoted my time and life and money to helping my child read now not at age 20. Sabe became the worst choice due to the teacher I was excited for. She was a real racist jerk. Because the school received less money for English speaking white kids...she and the rest of the staff were and are allowed to treat them differently than Hispanics. Wow. I have fought an up hill battle with them anyway so I pulled the out of the racist tragedy. ( my kids were color blind ...remembering the day my girls walked up to me at a park with a friends daughter...who is black and asked mom what is a black person? My friend laughed and I said well Tasha, and her daughters are black, I refers to a persons skin color. The both looked at their friend and said wait what...people care about that???
Yes yes many ignorant people care only about race...NM education is among the ignorant.
I sit here tonight thinking and looking around at my house now hodge podge, abd duct taped together....how did I get here? How did I even believe I could home school 3 kids basically the same age, help a dyslexic Daughter, find extra curricular, and enrichment, and clean my house, and get my kids to help with chores. Why would be a better question. Why ...well I guess because I cared that much. I just never bargained for doing it soley by my self. I
mean Jason is there, but definitely checked out....heather you take care of this your self...I knew you couldn't do it. I feel fat and alone, failed, basically like garbage. I know that this is only a tributary in the fast moving river of life...my sister.
My sister came to live with us. Thought it would really bring us closer... No. She let me know I was never going to be her sister...by how she talked to me, about me, acted toward me. My neighbor had to come over and stop a full white trash scream fest my sister started up on me. Over her frustration of the Realtor not getting her house yesterday.  How is thus my fault?? Well its not. She just wrecked my summer and ruined my work outs, and brought her shitty eating habits to my family. (Thanks)
Now instead of the green smoothies we once ate...my kids ask why we can't have pop tarts like Ingrids kids. ( 4 yrs ago) still my kids cry most mornings....I have gotten them into making breakfast them selves, but cereal, and nutella pancakes are light yes from green smoothies and a 3 mile a day run. One would say...why not just start back up?? Well I have tried and tried and now I am just used to Jason's schedule and obligations, taking front seat in my life. I no longer have 30 mins by my self from kids, I no longer have kids that sleep in their rooms for 2 hours. I no longer have a day that us not monopolized by a child's appointment, or other obligation. All of this no sleeping, inactivity, crap food, well my ankle broke. I went to the ER, they told me nothing is wrong, just a sprain. I saw an foot Dr. A few weeks later...same thing just a sprain. Ok after 6months of some days utterly unbearable pain... Wanting to saw my own leg off. Went to another foot and leg Dr. 1 MRI later...yes its broken. And 6 weeks in a boot with very little activity on my foot. Well I am at least 20 lbs more. Which makes my whole life just feel more complete. No money, because I pay all for my kids activities, therapy, appointments, drs. No time because I am either homeschooling (and severely struggling)
Or driving kids to drs, therapy, or appointments. (Therapy is for her dyslexia)
Then you have the eye drs, the pediatrician, karate, some times I manage to go grocery shopping before we are Down to 1 packet of ramen, other times I find stuff and hope that its still ok. My carpet is destroyed, water heater broke, my house falls apart like a celebrity taking a bow. I can not get my kids to stop fighting, or my husband to fix anything, I occasionally try to fix stuff (duct tape) and just get laughed at or told it wsd a stupid fix I should have just waited...for what the second coming???  I am sitting here tonight thinking how , how did I get here?? And wishing I could have a do over. I just am not sure I can ever pull it together again. I am responsible for everyone ( in my house) and all they learn or don't learn, the mess, the fights, the stress, the bills, the loneliness, the night sleep, I am not sure I can keep it up.  I always joke that I am going to take a vacation ....but where would I go?? I could never actually getting away...I have kids tied to my legs, appointments I can never miss, and a husband who is very preoccupied with his own success. KBT my Hubby's company-- he owns it,  was able to buy a jeep, I can bearly find time and money to get groceries. I struggle to find and repurpose all the items I have. I am definitely not high class. I make due with or live with stuff, because there is no other option. Well there it is my life and how I got here. I miss everything before warp speed hit us between the eyes. I can bearly see straight. I really really dislike, Rio rancho,
( most of the people I know are really needy)...I had a lady call me up and say a sister in the ward is having a baby in 4 months can you bring her dinner this week???  I gave a broken leg, I am drowned in my house kids home school, finances.. How many people does the dinner need to feed?? 2 just her and her hubby. I can nearly fully feed my own family... Due to time constraints, finances, and stress levels.
Are you kidding me!??? No no the lady was quite serious. I have no help offered to me in even the smallest way,--- can I watch you kids for 30 min while you talk a walk, he groceries, take a nap. No no no I am on my own. I am a sinking island. I hope my kids learn to metaphorically swim before it happens.