I am sitting waiting for laci's reading therapy appt. So I can drive back across town. I am reflecting on my life and thinking how could so many things I thought would be ...are just not. My kids are the light of my life. I would and do, do anything in my power to get them the help tutoring/ experience they need. I have them in sports, art classes, church activities. I am trying to grow well rounded human beings.
I just keep plugging away at the daily grind.
My marriage is all but a sham.  We aren't even on the same page when it comes to raising kids. But in a small defense he tries and does the best he knows how. Just that he's nearly 45 and I have never known him to be capable of change or short notice things. Oh sure when Instagram came out and the potential to make money was in learning a new thing rather quickly he was on board. But try getting him to spend time with me or use the phrase "I love you" I could die first. Well recently he decided to start adding love you to text and saying it before he hung up on the phone with me. Its nice but this coming from a guy that told me I say it to much...well I just have to say its too little to late. I want thing to run smoothly while the kids are present. I know that the dysfunction in divorced homes is real. I also really want them to be very choosey when the time comes for them to get married....I was Choosey....unfortunately he put on a better face...I mean there were a couple red flags, like him driving 3 hours to see me then just saying he was to tired to stay so he turned around with in the same 30 min and drove home... And weekends when I came to see him he would be to busy to see me until late the next day. He's not a cheater...so I not worried about that...just overly inconsiderate. After we were married he left me on the side of the road late one night over a silly timing bet. And another time asked me " why are you always here".  This when I came to visit for the weekend after we were married...I was finishing school and lived 3 hours away.
Still I stayed thinking I was just being to sensitive. His callusness never cesses to amaze me. There are hundreds if thousands of these examples over the last 14 yrs. I have to thank his mom for giving him a "me first complex". If his needs aren't met world ends if someone else has a need that should be met....and if it interferes with him getting where or what he wants....they can just shove it...he gets what he needs / wants first. I never sleep or take care of myself...if I do then its cat naps here and there, or a super quick shower hoping I have clean cloths after.  If I ask him to take care or watch kids...(happened more when they where younger) he kinda threw a fit..." Well when are you going to be back, or I have to be some where/ I have overtime in a little while" I need my sleep / where's my nap"
Were all things that were thrown out at me. I just took it in stride and put his needs ahead of my own. I have become less interested in his needs and more into self preservation... Over the last 14 years. In large part due to him. I can not keep up with his ever changing work schedule, or His much different parenting "hands off" approach. I have an even harder time with his personal needs he can go about 3 weeks with no sex then and only then he wants it to last 3 seconds if I want anything from him I get an "I am to tired now," or a
tomarrow.  He is in it only for himself and it makes me resent sex ....although I give in many times anyway...3seconds of affection is more than no seconds in a months time.
I wish things were different between us. But I would be so confused if he suddenly started caring. Since doesn't care now.  He has a better relationship with the kids so I say well at least that.
 I remember my mom yelling at us kids growing up saying " never get married its crap, just never do it"  that and the fact my dad and her fought lended to me not getting married until I was 27. Which looking back was still young.   But I find my self wanting to say the same thing to my kids....but I won't ...reason....I actually want them to find someone who genuinely loves and cherishes them. I don't know if I am just fooling myself... I mean people have good marriage. People in many marriages don't just neglect on another continuously. Right!???
Well this is all I know is negelect in my marriage. I know that I would never find anyone at my age... My body is ruined from children and I currently have a broken leg...fun times. I just was to belong or fit or be needed... I think thats basic humanness to belong/ want to fit in/ or feel needed. I just don't though. My support network is fake and offers me no support. ( family and friends) I wonder why I keep getting up each morning!!! My kids....that's right I do it for my kids...my lights, my reason for existing.... I am here to help them ( even if they don't want me sometimes) to not be a**$#holes. To give them opportunity that they wouldn't otherwise get to be an advocate for them as they are young!!!  I still feel lonely and sad and most of all like I don't fit in.  I want to be loved in my marriage... I just know its a pipe dream now. I hope my kids have better luck than I did.

I have a good life, great kids . well with the exception of one thing my husband. He's even a great guy. Since I have been married to him for the last 14 yrs he has been efficient,focused, thrifty, a good dad. Great right!? Well not really he is not good at being a husband. Or rather emotions get in his way. He has never really liked intamacy with me. He can go 3 months or more with us not having sex. He tells me I am "out of control" and to "calm down" if I ask to have a relationship with him. We kinda have a relationship just not one that make me feel like I belong. He can have a relaxing fun time unless its with our kids. Like I said he's a great dad.  Just very neglectful to me, or maybe just wants a relationship on his terms only. I wish I could take a pill or rub cream on myself that made me never care if he spoke to me or ignored me or whatever. I could just be...well indifferent or not care about it. As it stands he can go for days with only a few sentences between us, mostly "hi how's it going?". Problem...I have discovered he doesn't really want to know. He just wants everything to be fine.  😣. And well its not. Well I wish it was. I wish I could go to a clinic, they would do a scan and remove the part of me that wants a connection with him, and we could just live robotic lives raising kids. I know as a mother my kids can feel the tension from me. They deserve a set of parents that are crazy mad in love!!! They are good kids. I feel like I am just in a crappy place, either just go along and get ignored or ask for more and get in arguments or leave. None of those really feel happy and none of those options get me a husband that loves me. 😭. He wasn't always like this well when we dated he was attentive, interested, flirty, polite -- amazing. But the moment we were married I became something of a burden to him. I wish I could go back and tell my young self to just date him. But we have 3 great kids. And when I say great I mean great!!!! And he's great with them. Just not with me. I have to cry to have him notice me. I am just tired of begging for sex or closeness with tears. I am pretty sure we won't be together after kids are out if the house. Well I mean kids kinda ground us and if no kids then he has 100's of other interests, I am not one of them. I want my Pre baby body back if I leave....no man would want what's left now. 😂😂😣😣😭😭😭. I would want to just have him be interested, I just have no idea how to do that after 14 yrs. So in feeling a particular level of unhappiness and loneliness, I wrote my feelings down. I do feel a bit like a crappy old mop, cleaning up after and giving everyone what they need and then being left in the corner of a smelly bucket in the dark. I don't even know what I would do if any attention was paid to me anymore.

I used to work for a really crabby mean dentist and I would look out the window at work everyday, wishing I could be the blade of grass or the rock, or a leaf. Just so I could escape his anger and cold cutting remarks.
With my husband I find my self wishing to be the rock, blade of grass, leaf. For entirely different reasons, I want to not exist. I want to not feel the pain if being ignored. He may not have cutting words but at least if he did there would be some attention / passion paid. But there's not just utter indifference and partly pretending everything is ok. I wish I were the leaf eventually it would die and fall to the ground and be needed back in the soil. That sounds good to be needed.
My kids need me and I keep going for them, its just different. I feel sad that my kids will not experience a truly loving relationship as an example of what is in front of them. I can only hope that the moms and dads who are raising their future spouses, have set good examples, have paid attention to each other, have loved those little one. And I hope my kids relationships with their future spouses are light years better than my own with my spouse. I doubt mine will ever be any better.