I have a good life, great kids . well with the exception of one thing my husband. He's even a great guy. Since I have been married to him for the last 14 yrs he has been efficient,focused, thrifty, a good dad. Great right!? Well not really he is not good at being a husband. Or rather emotions get in his way. He has never really liked intamacy with me. He can go 3 months or more with us not having sex. He tells me I am "out of control" and to "calm down" if I ask to have a relationship with him. We kinda have a relationship just not one that make me feel like I belong. He can have a relaxing fun time unless its with our kids. Like I said he's a great dad.  Just very neglectful to me, or maybe just wants a relationship on his terms only. I wish I could take a pill or rub cream on myself that made me never care if he spoke to me or ignored me or whatever. I could just be...well indifferent or not care about it. As it stands he can go for days with only a few sentences between us, mostly "hi how's it going?". Problem...I have discovered he doesn't really want to know. He just wants everything to be fine.  😣. And well its not. Well I wish it was. I wish I could go to a clinic, they would do a scan and remove the part of me that wants a connection with him, and we could just live robotic lives raising kids. I know as a mother my kids can feel the tension from me. They deserve a set of parents that are crazy mad in love!!! They are good kids. I feel like I am just in a crappy place, either just go along and get ignored or ask for more and get in arguments or leave. None of those really feel happy and none of those options get me a husband that loves me. 😭. He wasn't always like this well when we dated he was attentive, interested, flirty, polite -- amazing. But the moment we were married I became something of a burden to him. I wish I could go back and tell my young self to just date him. But we have 3 great kids. And when I say great I mean great!!!! And he's great with them. Just not with me. I have to cry to have him notice me. I am just tired of begging for sex or closeness with tears. I am pretty sure we won't be together after kids are out if the house. Well I mean kids kinda ground us and if no kids then he has 100's of other interests, I am not one of them. I want my Pre baby body back if I leave....no man would want what's left now. 😂😂😣😣😭😭😭. I would want to just have him be interested, I just have no idea how to do that after 14 yrs. So in feeling a particular level of unhappiness and loneliness, I wrote my feelings down. I do feel a bit like a crappy old mop, cleaning up after and giving everyone what they need and then being left in the corner of a smelly bucket in the dark. I don't even know what I would do if any attention was paid to me anymore.

I used to work for a really crabby mean dentist and I would look out the window at work everyday, wishing I could be the blade of grass or the rock, or a leaf. Just so I could escape his anger and cold cutting remarks.
With my husband I find my self wishing to be the rock, blade of grass, leaf. For entirely different reasons, I want to not exist. I want to not feel the pain if being ignored. He may not have cutting words but at least if he did there would be some attention / passion paid. But there's not just utter indifference and partly pretending everything is ok. I wish I were the leaf eventually it would die and fall to the ground and be needed back in the soil. That sounds good to be needed.
My kids need me and I keep going for them, its just different. I feel sad that my kids will not experience a truly loving relationship as an example of what is in front of them. I can only hope that the moms and dads who are raising their future spouses, have set good examples, have paid attention to each other, have loved those little one. And I hope my kids relationships with their future spouses are light years better than my own with my spouse. I doubt mine will ever be any better.