I have a good life, great kids . well with the exception of one thing my husband. He's even a great guy. Since I have been married to him for the last 14 yrs he has been efficient,focused, thrifty, a good dad. Great right!? Well not really he is not good at being a husband. Or rather emotions get in his way. He has never really liked intamacy with me. He can go 3 months or more with us not having sex. He tells me I am "out of control" and to "calm down" if I ask to have a relationship with him. We kinda have a relationship just not one that make me feel like I belong. He can have a relaxing fun time unless its with our kids. Like I said he's a great dad.  Just very neglectful to me, or maybe just wants a relationship on his terms only. I wish I could take a pill or rub cream on myself that made me never care if he spoke to me or ignored me or whatever. I could just be...well indifferent or not care about it. As it stands he can go for days with only a few sentences between us, mostly "hi how's it going?". Problem...I have discovered he doesn't really want to know. He just wants everything to be fine.  😣. And well its not. Well I wish it was. I wish I could go to a clinic, they would do a scan and remove the part of me that wants a connection with him, and we could just live robotic lives raising kids. I know as a mother my kids can feel the tension from me. They deserve a set of parents that are crazy mad in love!!! They are good kids. I feel like I am just in a crappy place, either just go along and get ignored or ask for more and get in arguments or leave. None of those really feel happy and none of those options get me a husband that loves me. 😭. He wasn't always like this well when we dated he was attentive, interested, flirty, polite -- amazing. But the moment we were married I became something of a burden to him. I wish I could go back and tell my young self to just date him. But we have 3 great kids. And when I say great I mean great!!!! And he's great with them. Just not with me. I have to cry to have him notice me. I am just tired of begging for sex or closeness with tears. I am pretty sure we won't be together after kids are out if the house. Well I mean kids kinda ground us and if no kids then he has 100's of other interests, I am not one of them. I want my Pre baby body back if I leave....no man would want what's left now. 😂😂😣😣😭😭😭. I would want to just have him be interested, I just have no idea how to do that after 14 yrs. So in feeling a particular level of unhappiness and loneliness, I wrote my feelings down. I do feel a bit like a crappy old mop, cleaning up after and giving everyone what they need and then being left in the corner of a smelly bucket in the dark. I don't even know what I would do if any attention was paid to me anymore.

I used to work for a really crabby mean dentist and I would look out the window at work everyday, wishing I could be the blade of grass or the rock, or a leaf. Just so I could escape his anger and cold cutting remarks.
With my husband I find my self wishing to be the rock, blade of grass, leaf. For entirely different reasons, I want to not exist. I want to not feel the pain if being ignored. He may not have cutting words but at least if he did there would be some attention / passion paid. But there's not just utter indifference and partly pretending everything is ok. I wish I were the leaf eventually it would die and fall to the ground and be needed back in the soil. That sounds good to be needed.
My kids need me and I keep going for them, its just different. I feel sad that my kids will not experience a truly loving relationship as an example of what is in front of them. I can only hope that the moms and dads who are raising their future spouses, have set good examples, have paid attention to each other, have loved those little one. And I hope my kids relationships with their future spouses are light years better than my own with my spouse. I doubt mine will ever be any better.

We just got back from GREAT WOLF LODGE in grapevine TX.  great trip kids had fun at the water park jason and I enjoyed seeing them have so much fun!!! I loved going down the 5 person slide with my whole little family!! We had the best time!! The kids went on magi quests ( kinda a scavenger hunt for items around the whole hotel.) We really did have so much fun!!! Next time I must be in better shape...so much stair climbing! Lol. We stayed there over 2016 Christmas and it was so amazing to no have any extened family fighting!!! I am so going to plan trips for future holidays.  Ingrid did not have the chance to scream her head off at me over nothing important in front of my kids!!! Yay!!!!
I really don't want to mingle with crazy anymore lol....no parents mine or Jason's guilted us into one more family event.
No 3 dinners that had to be attended!!! BEST HOLIDAY EVER!!! only down side was the drive home...I was so tired and needing home by then 10 hours felt like 2 weeks!!! Lol we were ready to be home. And since holidays are over we are kinda left alone.   And then I found out my leg is broken ( sad face) but I kinda knew it was with how bad it hurt. 6 weeks in a boot stay off as much as possible and hopefully heals up and then physically therapy. Happy new year!!!

We just got back from GREAT WOLF LODGE!! we had so much fun!!! A Christmas well spent with my own sweet little family.
4 fun filled days at a gigantic indoor water park, and magi questing. Absolutely no extended family drama!!! I was so happy even with a broken leg!!! I found out I have a straight line stress fracture. On my ankle. 6 weeks in a boot again.  Oh well at least we had fun at great wolf. I have to be in better shape next time we go. Lol so many stairs.

Time out in the road....

We were driving back from a fantastic/amazing epic Durango thanksgiving... And my kids just about went all holly Holmes on each other!!!
They yelled about someone singing too loud, touching someone else's belongings, and in general just teasing and screaming and trying to hit and kick each other from the back seats if the car.  So in order to calm them down jason and I pulled over and had them get out and do jumping jacks until we were calmed down. Finally they just started laughing at us....so we had each finish 50 full correct jumping jacks before they could get in the car. Cole finished first, followed by emma....then laci was determined to get out of the whole thing by crying and carrying on. She finally finished after 10 more min. Then processed to get in the car and grump around I tried to talk to her but she kick the back of Jasons seat... That earned her 20 more jumping jacks. Jason quickly got her out of the car....and we waited 15 more min for her to stop stomping around before she asked calmly if she could trade for 20 push ups. Sure...(what ever will get you to wear your body out. ).  So she calmed her self down and did 20 great push ups. She got back in the car and was mellow. Longest road time out so far in our lives!!!!😬😬😂😂😂 . Now we are driving a long and peace and relaxed kids are in the back🎉🎉🎉 ... I did tell them if another mma breaks out....we will pull over and 100 jumping jacks or pushups will be required. So will see how long this peace lasts!!😂😂😂😂

Black Friday shenanigans with the FAM....

We have had the best day ever!! Breakfast with great friends and then Durango community rec center.....so awesome!! Swimming, pool games, air hockey, rock wall, lunch!! Then polar express!! So much fun!! I hope my kids remember the fun we had and I hope they remember the great feeling our family has!! I hope they can do great adventures with their own kids one day!!! 

Thanksgiving 2016🎉🎉🎉

We had a non traditional Thanksgiving making great memories with our kids and some amazing friends (the Schurerhammer's ). We spent Wednesday to Saturday in Durango Colorado. We had the best dinner and the most amazing low key relaxing day!!! No family stress or drama!!! The kids all played at the park. I made cinnamon roll waffles!! So much fun!!! The amazing dinner...well it was crazy expensive but we enjoyed it all a fantastic buffet, with a kids buffet!!! Dessert table, salad table!!! So amazing!!! To marrow we are going to spend the day at the Durango rec center and swim!! Then night time 5:00 ride the polar express!! The kids are so excited!! I love that we took our kids on this fantastic holiday adventure!!!

Today was great !!! I helped do a bridal shower for my friend and it was amazing! !!! My kids are amazing and growing so big we had a talent show for primary and my Littles showed off beautiful paintings I am so proud of them! !!! I love my life!!! Today. We'll I usually always love my life. My husband is working for and and runs krazy beaver tools he is happy. And all I need to do to have the most awesome life is loose 50 lbs yeah I hope I get in to a better routine right now I just feel happy for t he amazing day I had!!!! I do rock at throwing parties°!!!!